Edward and Bella:Inner thoughts
by PrincessBella15
Summary: I have done a journal and diary entry from Bella and Edward during the time of NM, eclipse, and I will do BD too. This is my first so, so sorry. It's short. I DO NOT OWN TWLIGHT!
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own twilight or anything to do with twilight….just having fun.**

_**Bella's Diary-November 2005**_

_Though his lips were like ice stone when they met mine I could not breathe, my body would become engulfed in flames. I did not deserve the Adonis angel of mine. He thought of himself as a monster, but he saved me from a life of loneliness. Just as my body was ready for him, he pulled back like always, afraid of hurting me, though if he only knew that when he pulled away, that is what hurt the most. I would rather die in his arms than to never have tried. I knew my scent sang to him and it was difficult even to kiss me, but I always hoped for more. I was dizzy as I usually was this close to him. Even HIS scent was intoxicating. Everything about Edward was, but he did not see himself that way, he only saw the monster without a soul. Though I knew he HAD a soul, how could anyone as perfect as Edward not have one? He always saved me before anything else, even his desire for my blood…his personal brand of heroin. Then because of my 18__th__ birthday party he realized the one thing I was most afraid of…..he realized I was not good enough for him. The pain that ripped through my body killed everything inside, I was void, and I was dead. Edward accomplished in one instant what he prevented James from doing in that ballet studio what seemed like a lifetime ago, he killed me. Though I was not "technically" dead, I WAS dead without Edward. He was my life, he told me once that I was his too, but deep down that was hard to believe. I was so ordinary and he was a living Greek god it was all so too good to be true. Then a few days after that atrocious happening at my 18__th__ birthday party he brought reality crashing down upon my heart, I was not enough and he left. All the Cullen's left and that hurt just as much, they had become my family and I hoped to be just like them, Alice had seen it He never would agree to change me like Alice saw, he said he would not make me a monster. On the day that he left me, I wish that he could have, to see I had no life without him. Nothing else mattered to me, but Edward. _

_Sighs, He was gone though now. A clean break he had said. I saw what he meant. He took all the pictures I had of him, of us. The present of the CD, he had made for me with my lullaby. All of it gone. He had given me a clean break; I think that is what hurts the most knowing I had no reminders of Edward except in my memory, it hurt because I knew over time my weak human mind would fade him and I would be left with nothing of Edward at all. I would grow older in time and not be the Bella that had at one time meant a little something to him. Another dagger about that is he would stay perfect at 17, never age; he would remain my perfect Edward. _

_I am torturing myself sitting here watching "Ghost," if the movie did not make the impossible break in my heart any bigger the strains of "Unchained Melody" are destroying what is left of my heart. Everything reminds me of Edward and I have probably listened to every 50's record ever made because Edward loved that musical era so much. Edward is so musical and loves just about everything except country. The pains shooting through my body are like a minefield exploding repeatedly with each mention and thought of Edward. I cannot even bring myself to mention his name anymore. However, the thoughts continue to bombard me. I am very determined to not even think about it, it is a goal I will repeatedly fail I am sure. Ugh, "only you" is now playing on the oldies station I am listening too. I know I am a masochistic a phrase Edward once used in regards to him. Instead of Edward's masochistic lion, I am now a masochistic lamb. It is actually almost funny except for the fact that it hurts so much. I think I rented every Dracula or Vampire movie in Forks. You should have seen the look on Eric's face at my selections. Quick as not to let him think, I told him I missed the marathon on TV during Halloween. Even though the Cullen's had, left I still did not want to do or say anything to draw attention to them. I would always protect them even if it were the death of me. _

_I would think it was all just a dream if not for the pain that encompassed every cell in my body. Of course, I change the radio station, and "It must have been Love" is playing. Will this pain ever end? The words of the song clutch at me…_

"**Lay a whisper on my pillow  
Leave the winter on the ground  
I wake up lonely, is there a silence  
In the bedroom and all around**

Touch me now, I close my eyes  
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
**From the moment we touched till the time had run out****"**

_Engulfed by despair and trying to act alive when I am very dead inside. _

BELLA


	2. Chapter 2

_**Edward's Journal**_

**February 14, 2005**

**Rio de Janeiro**

**I deserved much worse than sitting in this South American hell. I needed to be torn apart and thrown in hell. I was such a selfish bastard that I stayed to long and endangered Bella. I know Jasper did not mean anything by trying to attack her, I more than anyone knew how sweet the scent of Bella's blood was. Even though I knew this, I had caused my family trouble as well, a strain. Despite that, it was that I could have been the one to contribute to Bella's death. Considering all the other times I had spared it. If I had not been able to read Jasper's mind I might have been to late and all my previous attempts would have been in vain. **

**The hardest part was telling her goodbye in the woods, how easily she believed. I had wanted it to be as easy, but hoped to have had to convince her considerably. That she believed me so easily was like a knife being twist into my cold, dead, stone heart. **

**I made it a clean break I hid our pictures and her lullaby CD I made her under the floorboards of her room. Though I hid them from her to keep her from remembering me, I wanted them close so that I might still be apart of her life though she knew nothing. I am essentially a selfish creature by nature that I had to leave something behind without her knowing. **

**I tried to track the female Victoria that had been with James over the last few months, but I did not have the skill James had at tracking. Only my Bella could have tempted the best tracker. Now after not being successful I came to Rio. I could have continued on to Isle Esme and be in solitude, but the island was so lush and romantic, I would only think about Bella and I did that too much as is. **

**I hope by now she has found someone to make her happy. To be able to give her the things I could not. As much as it, pains me I hope I am a very distant memory to her. I do not know how long these things are supposed to take, maybe longer. I keep debating with myself to go check on her without her knowing and if she seems happy, I will return to my eternity in hell, my kind of hell. I tell myself that if she is as miserable as I am and she wants me back I will stay, but I should not even contemplate that. I am selfish and I do not think I can stay away from her much longer. It is almost as if a force is pulling me back to Forks. I know what that force is, it is Bella, my life. **

**If I go back, I will only bring sorrow for her. I know she would never move on to the advantages of being with a human man. I know she loves me as much as I love her. By leaving I hoped that her love and memories of me would fade, maybe they have. Human emotions can do that, but once a Vampire has found his love, it never fades. Ironic, Smokey Robinson's "Who's Lovin you" made famous by Michael Jackson is playing in the background. It is as if the radio can read MY mind; that is a change for once, is someone loving Bella. **

**The animalistic urge that thought brought on does not want to know, though my dead heart needs someone to love Bella the right way, the way that I cannot. If I could only find a way to be human for Bella, to be able to touch her with heat in my hands and not make her shiver with the cold ones I have. If only I could touch her without the fear of breaking her. To give her children and a real life she deserves and not the possibility of death if I cannot restrain or to make her a monster. Though she wanted me to like Alice had foresaw and let James venom change her. My Bella and her dreams to end her life to be with a monster like me. I could not do that to her because she saved me, saved from a life of emptiness. If I never touch her lips to my cold stone ones, again she will still have saved me from being alone. I would always have her love in my memories an advantage to having a perfect memory, a Vampire trait. Listening to a song I never really grasped before until I met Bella, "When a Man loves a woman." except that I would never be a man, not really. I would give up everything to be that man though. It pains me to think that she will end up with someone like Mike who will not notice her true beauty, the beauty I see. They see a beautiful woman, I see an angel sent from God. **

**I love my family, but they have been calling me repeatedly for days now. I guess I should go see what it is. It is Rosalie, it must be important if Rosalie has left that many messages. Though it had better not be one of her annoying pranks, I will take apart that BMW of hers and through it to the four corners of the earth.**

**EDWARD**

**1 hour later…**

**Sitting on a plane heading to Volterra hoping to convince them to destroy me if not, I must find a way to provoke them. **

**The call I got from Rosalie was telling me that Bella was dead; Alice had seen it in a vision, throwing herself from a cliff. I thought perhaps it was a misunderstanding so I called the number I have been aching to dial, Bella's number. When the phone was answered, I asked for Charlie in my best impersonation of Carlisle. What came next is what destroyed me forever. The young man from my guess said he was at the funeral. NO! I crumbled my cell phone and threw it in the trash before I could hear anymore. Not my sweet and brave Bella, anyone but her. If there was a way for me to die again, I would have died that instant. I know Rosalie meant no harm or to cause me pain. I think she thought this would bring me home, but if Bella who is my life is gone, I no longer have a life either. I am going to write goodbye letters to my family now, to explain why…before the plane lands. **

**Edward**


	3. Chapter 3

**Edward's letter to Carlisle and Esme**

**Carlisle and Esme,**

**I know you will be disappointed and may not understand my decision. You see Bella was my life. Even though I was no longer with her, as long as she lived, I lived as well. It would be like if one of you lost either one or the other. **

**Though I am damned to hell, I will always be grateful for the love and encouraging me for so many years now. I could not have asked for a better family or parents. The family we all became with first Rosalie then Emmett and following with Jasper and Alice. You have all meant so much to me. Please tell Rosalie she did nothing wrong in telling me. I would have seen it in someone's thoughts when their guard was down. No doubt, you were trying to keep this from me. I understand why you wanted to, but I must always know what is going on with Bella. Now that Bella is no longer breathing, I cannot breathe again. Please understand my love is no longer here to give me my reason to go on. As Romeo and Juliet could not go on without each other, I cannot go without Bella. **

**Please know that I care for each one of you, but this is something I must do. **

**Love, **

**Edward**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alice , Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett's letter.**

**Alice and Jasper, **

**First, Alice, I know you are going to be thinking I should have let James venom change her like you foresaw, but you know me well enough that I would never let that happen. I hope that in time you can forgive me. **

**Jasper, **

**I know the guilt that you are feeling. I can almost hear your thoughts about if I had not tried to attack Bella, Edward and the girl both would be here. I would have had to leave her eventually Jasper, I was no good for her, but I was selfish and wanted as much time with Bella as I could get. If I would have done what needed to be done in phoenix and convinced her to go to Jacksonville with her mother and Phil, Bella would be here now. You were a good and honorable brother.**

**Rosalie, **

**Thank You for telling me, it was the right thing. Do not torture Emmett too much because you are angry with me. **

**Emmett,**

**Catch a Mountain Lion occasionally for me. **

**Love you all, **

**Edward**


	5. Chapter 5

March 1 2005

I am so very angry with my family, betrayed even. After Alice, Bella and I returned from Italy Bella asked my family to put her mortality to a vote. Of course, after what Aro and the Volturi said I expected this from Bella. I was hurt that my family voted to change Bella with the exception of Rosalie. Though Rosalie has her own jealous reasons, I appreciated them this time. They should all know that I would never take away her life like that; I love her too much to take it away. The reason behind it was because that is what Bella wanted and she was already family. Carlisle pointed out to me in his thoughts it was also the safest option for Bella with Victoria and the Volturi. I do not care, Alice would see them and their powers could not affect Bella. I would protect her with everything I had in me.

I would love to be able to touch Bella with a warmth and softness. To hold her tightly in my arms without the fear of breaking and Killing her, instead I now have to be on constant guard of my strength. The agony this constantly causes me, but I do not care about my pain as long as I can be with and touch Bella. The limit to my touching her, I cannot make love to her, as a man should. There are too many chances of error and no known chance of success. I have never felt the need to love much less physical love, but with Bella, I want to do it all for the first time. It is as if I have saved myself just for her. If I change her I can show her for the first time just how much I love her, show her in EVERY way that a man can show a woman. I am no man though I am a monster.

Bella will settle for Carlisle to change her, but she wants me too. I told her I would change her if she would marry me. Bella has a fear of marriage she learned from her mother and I am counting on that fear and the fact that she wants me to change her to keep her human for as long as possible. Maybe one day she will change mind and fall in love with someone else. Live the life that she was supposed to live, grow old and have children with a husband that will do the same. I can never be the man Bella deserves to have in her life.

As much as it would, pain me the pup can give her that, he is human enough to give Bella everything she needs and deserves. She loves him, but in a different way, more than a friend, but not as much as she loves me. If Alice had not seen anything she could be realizing just how much she loves him by now. She could move on from her life with me a distant memory. I almost wish that she had not come to Italy to get me. I would have gladly given up my existence for her life.

Now that I know she was so unhappy with out me, almost as much as I was unhappy without her I can never leave her again. I cannot do that to Bella and I am excessively very too selfish to do that to myself all over again. If I had known what would happen I would not have left. I would have stayed with her until she no longer wanted me, for the rest of her life if that is what she wanted. Though I selfishly would not want it to happen, I would hope she would move on with someone else. I would continue to watch her from a distance grow old over time and the day her life ended so too shall mine. If Bella wanted, I would have been with her until she grew old and went to eternal happiness. She is worried about that and therefore wants to be a monster. She wanted me to change her before the Volturi and the vote of my family, but I just cannot do it. I am determined she stay human and she is determined to be a monster. However, if she persist and meets my one condition I will keep my word and change her. It would be the hardest day of my life, but I will keep my word and honor Bella with this foolish wish.

If I can just continue to delay her, she will change her mind, move on to someone better. Selfishly I do not want that outcome, but it is the right outcome for Bella and I will always put Bella ahead of anything.

I wish I could see Bella grow with my child and change with my love, but I never will. The pup, Jacob Black can give her that. Though Bella does not know it yet, Jacob and I both know she loves him and me. He will not give her up without a fight and he will not play fair, I saw it in his mind. Will she one day love Jacob Black unequivocally? If that day comes, I will painfully step aside because both the pup and I know that is what is best for Bella. However, what is best for Bella and what she wants are often completely different. Right now, she loves me as much as I love her and I do not see that changing, but the possibility that it could is always there. Bella should want a life with the pup, but she wants it with me. She wants to be a monster because how much she loves me. As wrong, as it is my heart swells with the idea that Bella would sacrifice herself for me. Then I hate myself for wanting something so bad, yet for me it would be a dream come true. It is a dream I do not deserve, but a dream I want nonetheless.

EDWARD


	6. Chapter 6

_March 1, 2005_

Edward is being so difficult. Offering marriage for him to change me, I really want that, but Carlisle is my other option, the less troublesome option if I am being honest. My Mother raised me to know that all marriage is some paper legalizing the intimacy between man and woman. Edward and I already have that, though we have never been physical, we have the intimacy where it matters most, emotional intimacy. I never knew what love was until I looked into Edward's eyes, even the eyes that first looked at me like a meal. If Edward one day slipped and tasted my blood and could not resist I would go willingly to my death, but death at the hands of someone you love is as passionate as life. Though it would be death, it would be pleasure because I would be in Edward's arms. His scent, His touch even in death would cause me to stop breathing all on its own. Everything about Edward is my passion, is it unhealthy? Maybe to the outside world, but without Edward I would be unhappy. I have hid myself from the world, but with Edward, I am free, freer that I have ever been.

Edward considers being a Vampire, as being a monster, but neither Edward nor his family would ever be in that category. He thinks I am giving up my life, but without him, I have no life. I have lived that life once and I am never going back. Though I was "functioning," I was dead, my heart, my Edward was gone. I thought forever, that I would never see, touch, or smell him again. I was afraid my dull human brain would fade him over time and I would be left of nothing of myself because I would have nothing left of Edward. He once told me I was his life, well Edward is my life, and the stars aligned for us.

I NEED to be like Edward, I want to love him, as he deserves. I am tired of being the weak one, Edward always having to save me. I want to save Edward for once, I want to give him the happiness that has alluded him all of his existence. I think I can give him that happiness because I love him enough.

I am afraid once I am changed I will not appeal to him anymore, the singing of my blood for him will be gone. Will his love for me be gone too? After the events of the past six months I am still very unclear how much I am worthy of Edward. He says he loves all of me, but when that appeal is gone will that still be true? I hunger for his touch, will he be still mine, my love, my Edward. I need his love to breathe. I ache for him and feel incomplete without him; I am dead without my Edward. The time without him went by so slowly and the time did so much for my longing, the longing for his cool marble touch and exotic scent. Just thinking about Edward causes my body to ignite into flames. I can handle the burn of change than the burning in my body that constantly aches just for the slightest touch from my love, my Edward.

I want him to be able to hold me tight without fear, no holding back. I do not want to hold back my wanton passion for him. Everything about Edward is so sensual and heart stopping, my passion for him is on a teetering edge about to go over. I wish he could read my mind to see what he does to me. He does not see himself as I do, he is a God among mean with the soul of an angel.

I have to convince him, I only have so much time before my teens are over and I would be "Older" than him. Of course, there is Carlisle, but I WANT Edward's lips to be the last lips that touch my human body because my body and mind belong to him and only him. Alice saw me like them, that I was changed and Edward and I are happy. The hard part will be to make Edward believe it.

Then there is Jacob, my best friend the werewolf and mortal enemy of the Vampire. I love Jacob, but only as a friend, but Edward is my life. It will always be Edward and this hurts me because it hurts Jacob, but we will always have a connection and he will find his love. It is hard to hurt someone who you love, but I will never love Jacob, as he loves me. He does not realize it yet, but if we were meant to be, he would have imprinted on me and he has not, but that love will come to him.

Life is so unfair in that I have to hurt someone in order to be happy and be with the one I love.

Bella.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sometime in the future…**

**I can see Bella and Edward living happily in the future as **_**VAMPIRES!**_

**Bella and Edward both know I have seen this outcome in my visions, but they do not see all of it. I will not allow Edward into my visions that far, he would overreact as usual and leave Bella again, leave to protect. I see a young woman with bronze hair and Chocolate eyes. She is not a Vampire, but neither is she human, I think she is both. I think she is their daughter. **

**How can that even be possible? I must discuss this with Jasper since he knows so much about Vampire history and fish around with Carlisle. Why am I only seeing her grown? Can I not see her until she has reached maturity? I am so excited, yet so very confused about this. **

**She looks so much like Edward, but I can see Bella too. I can see she has a mixture of powers from her father and …what MOTHER?!?! This is very interesting. If only I could see and know more…**

**Alice**


	8. Chapter 8

**March 12, 2005**

**The first day back at school was how I suspected that it would go. The immature thoughts of these children made me want to snarl aloud, but of course, I would not. The jealous Lauren had the worst thoughts of any of them. **

_Why would Edward Cullen come back to be with Bella Swan unless he got her pregnant? She does not look pregnant. _

**If only the petulant child knew that was impossible. How I dream that I was human and I could give her children. She decided that she was to be changed, graduation was the deadline that she had set, but I was hoping my proposition would stall her. When it came to me being the one to change her, we were at an impasse. I agreed to be the one if she accepted my offer of marriage and she was afraid of marriage. Killer Vampires sure no problem, a piece of paper declaring our love, devotion, and she ran in fear. That is my Bella though, does the exact opposite of what I would ever want or hope for her. **

**I had never been happier to be back in Bella's life and I would never leave her again, but she is risking her soul to be with me. I do not want that, she deserves to have a normal life. I will be here as long as she wants me and needs me. I know I will always need her. It is as if we are two pieces of the same heart, one cannot survive without the other. She is my sky and I am the stars needed to make her night shine. Her feelings toward me cause such happiness in my cold dead heart I think I can feel it beating. However, What I want and what is right are different things. **

**It still pains me that I am the one she is damning herself for, but I will never leave her again and give her anything her heart desires or not. I hurt her and caused her pain when I left, I will NEVER do that again. Even though she wants something I so desperately wish, I would deny her nothing. I will never admit this to her because I am hoping I can hold her off as long as possible, but even if she never marries me I would change her if that is what she so desires. I admit apart of it is because I am selfish and want more of Bella than I ever deserves, I want her to have MY name, to be able to say that she is truly mine in every sense. **

**My human mother and father also raised me to honor thy love; marriage is honoring the one you love. If I am to take her soul, the least I can do is honor her. Bella doesn't look at it that way, she sees marriage as an institution of failure and not honor and love. She damns her soul for all eternity to be with a Vampire, but marriage no way. That is one of the things I most love about Bella, but also the one thing that drives me mad, she always is opposite of what is best for her. **

**It is so good to be able to feel her warmth against my cold skin again after all these months though I must admit. The happiness she gives me is beyond any words in any language. Bella is my life, she is my world, I could not exist without her. She makes my existence as a monster worth all the misery I have lived. It is almost as if God knew that I was born to early in my human life because he made me what I am, he made me for Bella and Bella for me. There can be no Edward without Bella and no Bella without Edward. God took my heart so he could give it to her; I just waited on her so we could share it. **

**I always used to laugh at the absurdity of Romeo and Juliet, Scarlett and Rhett and last but not least Elizabeth and Darcy. Now, I can understand them because if they felt one-tenth of the love I feel for Bella it all makes sense finally. To read and see love on film is far different from actually experiencing it. **

**I can't remember being happy in my human life, but since my change I was only content until Bella came to be, now for the first time I know what happiness is. It is still a very new and human emotion for me, but Bella brings out the human I thought had died with the Spanish Influenza. Bella brought Edward Mason into Edward Cullen's existence. I will forever be grateful to Carlisle for being a friend and father, for doing as my mother Elizabeth asked and saved me, but apart of me was resentful because this life would not be what I would have chose for myself. I wanted to die with glory in the war like so many young American men of my time. Instead, I was to suffer with a disease that did take my life, I just happened to come across Carlisle Cullen. However, without him and Elizabeth Mason I would never have found my heart again, my Bella. I see it as my price I had to pay to meet my destiny, my life. **

**Edward**


	9. Chapter 9

**June 6, 2005**

**It has been a very interesting few months with Bella. She did not want to give up her friendship with the wolf and I was extremely concerned about that. I did everything in my power to dissuade her from seeing him, but she persisted. Rather than continue to let her be in danger, I relented. She sees the dog as just her best friend, but there is more than that, she loves him. I know it and the wolf knows it, but the only person left in the dark is Bella. I cannot complain because my leaving brought them closer caused this love to grow. I know she loves me, but doubting how much I deserve her and knowing being with him would be better for her a part deep inside hopes she chooses him. My overwhelming need and love for her will not give up; I will fight for her, though I know I should not. I will be there for her always; I will just wait and hope. If she ever decides **_**He**_** is what she wants, I will step aside, but I will always be there just out of reach for her to see and know; I will be waiting. **

**At her graduation party; she accepted a gift from **_**Him**_**; but would not let me get her anything; it hurt. I know she hates gifts so I did not get her anything and she accepts **_**HIS!**_** If my heart could have broken, it would have. I asked her about this and she said she accepts gifts that do not involve spending tons of money; she would accept one passed down or made. I **_**COULD**_** work with that option. I have lived long enough that I could pass anything off as old and passed down. Sitting in my closet is a five Karat diamond heart shaped charm. This four million dollar diamond would be on the bracelet he got her, but my charm will claim her. I will tell Bella, it belonged to my mother Elizabeth Masen. Finally, I can give Bella something without her complaint, to spend the extra change in my pocket for once. However, I guess most people would not consider four million change. However, when you have lived as long as I have and your sister can make you unlimited funds, it happens. **

**Later…**

**Bella loved it and I was more pleased than she could know. **

**To my unexpected surprise, Bella finally agreed to be my wife, but I had to agree to try to be intimate with her before the change. I agreed only because it meant so much to Bella and I wanted her to be my wife, to have Cullen be her name. I am scared beyond anything that has ever happened to me in my existence, scared I will not be able to control the new feelings of desire. As much as I have experienced, I have never known physical love. From what I have seen in people's minds and that of my family…though I try not too; you lose control and let your body take over. If I do that, I could **_**KILL **_**her. One little snap and her heart stops beating instantly and all hope would be lost. I want this experience as much as Bella, maybe more; though how do I risk it. Can I keep her alive? Can I give her the pleasure she craves? I wish she would wait until after the change because then I can finally stop holding back and show her for once, how much I love her. **

**This will have to wait until my family and the wolves can take care of Victoria and her newborn army. We head out tonight to lie in wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow it will all be over, and life can be peaceful for us…just this once. **

**It is almost time for me to get her up, but she is so peaceful lying in my new bed. I kidnapped her for the night; just Bella and I. It was the best night of my existence by far. I became an engaged **_**man**_**, not a monster, but a **_**man.**_** I still know what I am; I have hope though now that I can be what Bella needs. The doubt is still there, I guess it always will be. When you have the love of someone you do not deserve doubt becomes second nature. **

**Edward**


	10. Chapter 10

**July 4, 2005**

**The Battle with the newborn vampires and Victoria is over and no one was hurt, though the visit from the Volturi was rife with tension. **

**The hardest part for me was when Bella realized that she loved Jacob too. I know she loves me more, but I thought the moment had come when I would lose her…to another love, a safer love, the right kind of love…human love. She chose me, but she was stricken with grief because she hurt Jacob. I can understand that because I hurt her once, when I left. Though it was for her own good or I thought so at the time, I still hurt her more than anyone ever has and that includes James. **

**She told me it was much more difficult losing me than any pain she feels about hurting Jacob and that pains me more than anything that I **_**DID**_** that to her. I do not deserve her, but for now, I have her. She has agreed to marry me next month and I am thrilled, but she still has time to change her mind. Even after we are married, she can change her mind and realize Jacob is better for her than I ever will be. As much as I hate to admit it, it is true. To know that you hurt the one you love just because you love them. I am too weak to leave her again, but I know I should. If we ever separate again, she will have to be the one to leave because I am much too weak and selfish to ever live through that again. That seven months away "killed" me, a pain so strong and deep that it killed the dead…that is what is was. Bella's love brought me back to life, made me live again and without her, I was dead for the second time in my life. **

**Maybe, Carlisle and Bella are right and there is a God for the dead, if there wasn't how did I ever find My Bella? Only God could have granted me the honor knowing her love. However, fate with her cruel and twisted mind could snatch it away from me again and this time I would have to honor my promise to stay away because it would be what Bella wanted. I would never be far and I would always be watching from a distance in case she ever needed me. That existence would be like living in hell and that is what a monster like me deserves, hell…not the heaven I am in because I have Bella for… now. **

**She expects to be changed, but if I can keep her human for as long as I can she may change her mind. Bella is stubborn, but I can be persuasive and stubborn myself. I promised her other impossible promises, promises of making love to her while human. It is such a risk, I could kill her so easily and not mean too. **

**Alice says I should not worry about the negatives and allow myself to be purely happy for a change, but that is not in my nature. However, I AM happy, happy beyond anything I could ever imagine myself being. What did I do to deserve this? Being a killer, being a monster I cannot find a reason. I expect any minute that it will all be snatched from my grasp and no ability I posses can prevent it. Can monsters, killers even get heaven? It is almost as if I am dreaming, but I cannot even sleep. Have I gone mad? Then when she is in my arms and my lips meet hers, I know I have found Heaven, I stumbled upon it in the darkness. I am so lucky to have found Bella, but like the saying goes, luck eventually runs out. Can I stay one- step ahead and have my heaven forever? I want to love Bella longer than forever; I want to love her for infinity. **

**I am not going to question it any longer and just be thankful for whatever time I have with Bella whether it is for sixty years or for all of our existence. I am finally happy and I will take anything fate hands me because I will always be grateful for Bella no matter how long or how short. **

**I never thought I would be getting married, I have been to several of my siblings weddings, but it never held the same emotion as my upcoming wedding to Bella. There has never been a wedding quite like ours and that I am certain. **

**I think I am more of the Bride because I am enjoying every aspect of the engagement and Bella is annoyed with all the attention. Of course, Bella is the opposite of every human female I ever encountered. I love her so much because she always does and thinks the complete opposite of everything. Bella is one of a kind and so very special, I am so happy. **

**I have to go and be fitted for my Tux now…Heaven waits.**

**Edward**


	11. Chapter 11

Sept 1

Our honeymoon was great after the first initial discomfiture of our intimate nature. I bruised her the first time,but once we finally tried again I didn't and found we could be freely intimate as a human and a vampire can be. It was the happiest time of my life, then my world came crashing down.

Bella....She was pregnant and having the baby could kill her. If I was a normal man and this was a normal child I would be ecstatic. There is nothing I would want more than to share a child with Bella, but I would never sacrifice her for anything even a child. I was shocked when we arrived home when she ran to Rosalie, I was sure she would let Carlisle take care of it. Bella wouldn't hear reason though, she said she couldn't kill something that was apart of me, a life we created together. It wasn't so much that she wanted a baby, she wanted my baby.

I am such a mess because as much as I want to be rid of the creature, she wants it and I could never deny her anything. I was even willing to let her have puppies with the dog if that was what she wanted and I even presented it to him so he could discuss it with Bella. Of course, She would never hear of it. She caught on the plan and was surprised Jacob didn't rat me out right away. I tried every reasonable argument that I had, but she insisted she would live just long enough to have her lil nudger and to be changed.

I have never been so miserable and scared in all of my existence. To finally get all I wanted and more, to have it ripped from me. Perhaps, I asked for too much for what I am and this is the punishment that I must pay, but I would never trade Bella for my own wants. I would go to the Volturi now if I thought it would save her. After everything we have endured to have it end like this is unbearable. What a cruel twist of fate. This is hell. I know Bella thinks that she can keep her heart beating just enough for us to change her. I even extracted some of my venom just in case there is a God and I have a soul and he grants me once again more than I ever dreamed or deserved.

Edward.


	12. Chapter 12

**September 19**

**Renesmee and Bella both made it through the difficult birth. Bella's Transformation was also extremely quick as far as those things go. I was very worried that I had done something wrong during the birth because Bella was so quiet and still during her burning. I thought that I may have been to late to save her. **

** Renesmee is so beautiful, intelligent and I love her beyond anything. I never knew I could feel love like that and have this overwhelming love for Bella at the same time. Bella and I are two parts to a whole, but the love for a child is indescribable, something I never thought to be able to experience. Though I am not thrilled with the idea that Jacob imprinted on my daughter, but a part of me feels that it is poetic because Bella and I owe him so much. Jacob loved Bella, but she loved me more than she loved him. In a way Bella and Jacob can love one another because Renesmee is half Bella. It's almost like Jacob is loving his bets part of Bella. Emmett loves to point out that if that is truly the case Jacob is half in love with me as well since Renesmee is half of me. Jacob doesn't like that theory and he and Emmett had a wrestling match to settle things. Jasper and I thought it hilarious. Rosalie cheered when Emmett made him say Uncle. **

** In a sense we are the family Bella dreamed about, but of course nothing about this family is conventional. The experience of a wolf ****imprinting on a Vampire for one, though Renesmee is only half vampire. AS a father I am not happy about it, but like I said I understand it's like the balance of the universe for all that Bella and I owe Jacob. **

** With Jacob being the true alpha the treaty was not broken because he gave me permission to change Bella. Also, the imprinting stopped Sam's pack from harming Renesmee. With that all settled Bella was still worried about Charlie, but leave it to Jacob to help with that problem as well. Jacob went to see charlie and transformed in front of him and told him Bella was now special and Charlie didn't want to know and we wouldn't have told him in order to keep him safe. Charlie took things better than I expected, but then he is Bella's father and she is great with myths and monsters. **

** As far as being a newborn it is like Bella skipped that all together. Carlisle and I wonder if it was because she has been preparing herself years for this change. Our first hunt was an experience when she started to follow the scent of human blood and stopped mid-hunt because I was behind her. She was so controlled once she realized what was happening. I was panicked watching her hunt because I am so used to trying to protect her. That was a new experience for her and me. **

** Then our first time being together where I no longer had to hold back was so amazing that words cannot describe the wonder........**

**Edward**

_If you like this please leave a review. I will end this story here because I think it's a good point to leave off unless you want me to finish it. If I get 10 reviews I will continue. This is my first so please let me know what you think. _


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